8.9.23 Yes, I’m Here

I have a habit of reading the most recent blog post to see where I left off so I can update whoever reads this on what’s been going on. I kinda wish I didn’t read the last one.

If you are part of my immediate life, follow these posts and/or are connected with me on social media outlets, you know that Babci crossed over in January, about a week after that last blog post below.

Home hospice… wow. What an experience. I pray no one ever has to endure that for any amount of time, as it was possibly 1 of the longest weeks of my life. If you need someone to talk about it with, I am here. But if you need to talk to someone who won’t cry, please forgive me as I’m still grieving. I won’t be offended if you don’t choose me. 

Here we are 7 months later. In a breath: I’ve taken a few trips, finished a Doctorate program, we expanded business & I moved into a new apartment. I also have more hopes & goals to round out the year with. Yet, I cannot call or visit Babci to update her. 

She would always have me call her the day after a trip to tell her I made it back & that I’m safe. Yes, at 30+ yrs old, we still text or call to tell each other that we made it. It’s our thing. It’s what friends make fun of me for when I ask them to text me when they get home safe. It’s a love language. And unfortunately it’s something I can’t do with Babci anymore.

In my core, the deepest outlets of my soul, I feel her still here. I know she’s safe & with the rest of my family. But it doesn’t take the surface pain away. It doesn’t blur the memories of what transpired at the end. Those last weeks took years off my life. 

And the pain I feel isn’t all mine, not in the slightest. It’s for my mother. My heart & soul remain broken for her. I cannot explain how heavy, yet empty I feel sometimes; like a hollow chocolate bunny you get at Easter. It seems together, detailed, sturdy & perfectly fine. But you take 1 bite & it all crumbles.

I don’t like to brag & talk all this crap about “oh yeah man, I’m SuCh An EmPaTh like I fEeL iT aLl dude I get it” but like, I do. And I’m just shattered for my mom. Let us drive home the point that we may all look passable on the outside, but inside we could be in shambles. So just be nice to each other for Christ sake.

In other more uplifting news, I’m officially a Doctor as of April, which is fun. It was a 3 term transitional degree program so at the end of it, I dropped the Masters’ & picked up a DTCM (Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine). I am so grateful to have had the funds, time & support to get it under my belt. It was a good learning experience & a chance to integrate clinical practice, along with staying up to date & relevant in a field that’s constantly growing! Cheers to more nerding out & research to work on. I’m super stoked to be a part of the movement. 

During that program, I took a trip or 2 to get some air & clear my head. It helped, it hindered, it was needed. Next up is a National Park or 2 & hopefully an international New Years. Rounding out the year as well as I can, ya know what I mean?

Life is a journey, that’s for sure. The roller coaster doesn’t end. In fact, at times it feels like it speeds up & just absolutely whips me around to screw with me; demolish me. But hey, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it! So keep your legs in, keep your arms up & scream as loud as you can. Mahalo for being you & for letting me be me xx

1.6.23 Take Your Time

Usually without even trying, I wake up every birthday & spend the morning reflecting on the year in between answering birthday texts, emails or posts. I’m so grateful that people take a moment or 2 out of their day to send a birthday wish. It helps the reflection in that if all else fails & I can’t find anything to be proud of, I could possibly say I’ve at least been a decent friend & human for the last 365 days.

This year’s celebrations & reflections were a bit of a challenge, as it hasn’t felt much like a holly jolly season. I’m a scrooge, a grinch, a big bah humbug around the holidays. But I do try to rally because I see the allure of what the holidays bring to people. It’s just been harder these last couple of years than most.

I’m sitting here writing this from my Babci’s kitchen table (that’s how you say grandma in Polish). She’s just been delivered home after a 2 month journey of hospital stays & interim rehabs for home-hospice care. It’s quiet in the house, as we’re speaking in hushed voices. Without all the hospital noise, we no longer have to yell to make sure she can hear us. I can really only hear the hum of the oxygen tank with the occasional click of the motor from the living room where she’s lying comfortably. Judge Judy, Jeopardy & Wheel of Fortune have been on, so it almost feels like old times. The monitors are off, the bags are unhooked, the IV meds have stopped. Her arms are bandaged & free from cords. Only the oxygen & her toughness are keeping her alive now.

We hired a live-in nurse who’s been a gem thus far & a hospice nurse will come a few times per week to check in & make sure Babci is as comfortable as possible until it’s time. We just don’t know when it’s time. That’s her choice, just like she/us wanted. Babci will choose when she’s ready. We’re just hovering until further notice.

I skipped work to be here. To sit & then pace around the house waiting for the ambulance to pull up. To take up space, to feel in the way, to cry like a baby, & to be with my mom, uncle & aunt. I came here to wait, to exist. I came here to see Babci be wheeled into her front door, to see if she recognized where she was. To see if she remembered this was home & that she finally made it here. I came here for time; time that seemed so much more precious than it has for the last 33 years.

I’ll reflect on my year later, after we’re done doing whatever we need to do for Babci. The thing about time is that it flies, but you still have it. So take the time to do your important things, be with family, spend moments when asked. Go on vacation, see the world, or go watch Judge Judy with your Babci. Prioritize it how you see fit. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about that. If you want to do something, do it. If you want to hang out with someone, do it. If you love someone, tell them now. If you want to shut your phone off & binge TV all day, have at it. Do whatever you need to do to feel like you’ve taken your time & enjoyed it; like you got the most out of it. We only get so much, but we do get it. And it’s yours. So take it.

7.21.22 The Ocean’s MVP

The dog days of summer are officially upon us as of this week. The NJ shoreline is experiencing temperatures that scream ocean, sunblock, tourists & prayer. Traffic is ridiculous, bennies are everywhere & we’re all definitely not drinking enough water.

BENNY is an abbreviation term coined by NJ locals to describe people who come “down the shore” for the summer who are not usually from the shore. If you have to ask what a Benny is, you may be one. I’m really sorry to be the bearer of this news. If you or someone you know is a Benny, I promise to still be kind & welcoming. Just please don’t put your tent or cooler or speaker or kid ON TOP of my beach towel. We can coexist otherwise. 

Summer in Chinese Medicine is all about heat, yang, excess. The sun is out & the energy is flowin’! This is a time to drink more water, get a bit more cardiovascular exercise in (if possible) & relish in the longer, warmer days. Come get acupuncture too! I love summer visitors :) The sun provides copious amounts of vitamin D, so we gotta go get some & recharge from the winter as well. Please remember sunblock though. And don’t overdo too much. We don’t want anyone getting heat stroke out there.

This could be a hot take, but summer isn’t my absolute favorite. There, I said it. Ok? Apologies if that offends anyone. It’s just that I get too hot too quickly, & then I get anxious when I can’t cool down, which makes me more hot. And that cycle continues until about October. There’s only so much ocean breeze to do the trick. Today’s high was damn near 93… no NJ ocean breeze can save me this evening. Those who may live in warmer climates, don’t come for me. I’m not built for this.

Luckily, Sharkfest on National Geographic has been keeping me distracted when I come home from work sweating & anxious in July. I turn on the tv, crank the AC & settle in to watch sharks while making dinner & doing work until bedtime. It’s my absolute favorite time of year, even if the season it plays in isn’t my #1.

Upon meeting me in a certain setting, you may get a lot of information. This could include the fun fact that sharks are actually my favorite animal. Alpacas & llamas are a very close second, tied with dinosaurs, but sharks just really do it for me. Specifically the black tip reef shark & the glorious tiger shark. I went cage diving with Galapagos sharks in Hawaii & they’re really awesome & are soo smooth to the touch. Bull sharks are so fascinating & versatile; but black tips are the one. So every summer, I look forward to a month of nothing but sharks on television. 

It’s ironic that Sharkfest plays during the month in which the beaches are jam-packed with people going into the water to cool down. Although some shows are about attacks, there are plenty that highlight the science & habits of sharks that do not involve people. The ones that do portray attacks are sure to provide explanations & breakdowns of why attacks occur. In the others, we learn tons about migration patterns, nurseries, BREACHES!, how they remember certain locations, how they eat, how they navigate. It’s just so absolutely amazing & informative. Most importantly, it’s reiterated time & time again how vital they are to our ecosystem to maintain homeostasis in the underwater world. They are crucial & they are to be respected.

People fear them which is understandable. But they are not just sitting in the waves waiting to kill us. They are curious creatures & will defend themselves if they feel it’s necessary. At the end of the day, we are going into their territory. We must respect the ocean, just like we should respect each other & the rest of the animals on this planet.

So always remember: drink water, wear sunscreen, respect your beach neighbors, clean up your trash & respect the sharks. Happy Summer y’all! Aloha xx

6.27.22 Sorry For the Wait

Ok, hi. To those who follow these posts, I’m sorry for being MIA. To those who are new here, welcome & please forgive this first impression. The year’s end & start to 2022 has been a whirlwind, if anyone can relate. Work, life, home, whatever. It’s been a very interesting transition. And as always, writers’ block has been too real until this very moment, ironically.

Here we are in almost July & I’m not sure what happened between back then & today. Maybe we can just keep trekking along & leave the last many months at the door…let’s just do a quick recap.

Some weeks ago, we caught a glimpse of spring in NJ. The sun was out, bright & WARM, thank baby Jesus. It felt so good to get some sunshine through the window &  the car wasn’t an icebox in the morning. There was a night or 2 where I didn’t need the weighted blanket to keep from freezing; we were able to turn the heat down a bit.

It took that 1st spring week to really feel the effects of seasonal funk/depression. I hadn’t noticed how “blah” I’d been until the sun came out & the temperature was above 40. It also helped that I went down to Florida for a long weekend back in March. Laying by the pool in straight sunlight with a book was a magical experience. It’s amazing what vitamin D can do for a soul.

That Boca weekend was the first trip I’d taken since last October, which is so unlike me. I have probably touched on this in a previous post, but many people know that I love to travel & take trips every couple of months. I find it  to be the best form of self care for me. A lot of friends will joke & ask “are you going to be in NJ this weekend?” because they feel I’m always on the move. It’s multi-beneficial in my opinion: a good mental reset, a new experience if I’m going somewhere new, a way to unplug (last few trips I’ve had no phone service) & just a chance to physically be away from NJ/home. 

Unfortunately, life had other plans in terms of travel for December when the entire world (including myself) got COVID for the holidays. Then for April Fools Day, the most fitting of all days, I stepped weird & my foot kinda broke… 2-3 spiral-esque fractures along my pinky toe bone (5th met for all you anatomy nerds). So yeah, not many trips coming or going these days. I had a Seattle trip planned for Memorial Day which wasn’t happening. And a rescheduled New Years’ Utah trip planned for Labor Day that is still up in the air. The entire trip depends on this goddamn little bone.. I can’t even make it up anymore. 

The biggest, most obvious goal is the bone physically healing enough to walk around without one of those clunky boots on. But what a glorious 8 weeks of fun that was! It felt pretty ok in the boot so sometimes I felt like I was good & healing quickly. But then I’d go to hop down half a flight of stairs to answer the door & it would feel like day 2 or 3 all over again. No, I should not have been walking around without the boot; I know that, so don’t come for me. I was not walking miles per day without this boot. Like I said, sometimes I felt ok just around the house & didn't think about it. Plus, I’m only human so I didn’t always think “let me take a minute to strap the boot on” if I’m only going downstairs for 2 seconds to grab the mail.

The other goal (very dependent on bone healing) would be the comeback; working back into getting in shape & increasing my endurance enough to be able to do Utah hikes. I kind of like to do hard shit, not always a little beach walk. I like mountains, cliffs & things that can get a little sketchy on the way up. Rock climbing, scrambling, jumping from rock to rock to cross a stream or slight scaling to get from one part of a canyon to another. So I kind of need to be in shape, you know? But without this bone healing, I won’t be able to do impact activities like cardio & heavy lifting in order to feel decently in shape for these hikes. So, I need to be patient. But I suck at being patient.

Anyway, yeah. What else is new…oh, I’m 7 weeks into taking some classes to further integrate acupuncture with Western medicine, which I’m hoping will be cool. It’s always nice getting a brush up in research & science, whether in my specific field or in other fields related to medicine, health, injury & recovery etc. At the end of the program I may or may not be a doctor… but let’s just keep that between you & I because I don’t need the extra stress.

Work is BUSY, which I love; always wanting more & always hoping I am enough. I’m looking forward to getting more into these classes because I hope to be able to put stuff into practice right away, making me more confident in treatments. This can also maybe help me make sure I’m where I want to be “right now”, whatever that means these days. I mean, are we ever truly where we want to be? Big question if you ask me.

Always wanting to strive for more, never feeling content & wanting change are all fine ass lines that I’m still teetering on. There are a few things in the works, but I’m always second guessing. Is that the story of anyone else’s life too? Asking for me. 

Please share your life updates with me, always know I’m here to listen/vent to, you’re not alone & you’re doing amazing. If you feel stuck, it’s temporary even if you cannot see it yet. You’ll get there, you’re going to be fine.

Also! I made a new IG page where we talk about acupuncture & alpacas, if anyone wants to come “join the pac”! Open instagram, search @alpacapuncture & click follow. See ya there :) Mahalo xx

8.17.21 Those Yellow Roses

The universe has this amazing tendency to throw the perfect curveball. It’s quick, precise & rarely ever misses. The problem is, when you’re not ready for it, you’re sure to strike out. And usually we’re never really ready for it (because if so, it wouldn’t be life!). It also has the tendency to help you see that things turn around, there’s some light at the end of the tunnel, time does heal your wounds & that you’ll be ok. 

Total throwback moment, but this singer Alanis Morrisett had a song out called Ironic & the few lines that always kind of stuck out were: life has a funny way of sneaking up on you, when you think everything's okay and everything's going right; And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face

Well well well, if that ain’t the goddamn TRUTH sister. PREACH it.

I sometimes interchange life and the universe, but usually go with the universe. It’s my version of a “higher power”, a voice of reason, the thing I vent to/ask (open-ended) questions to. And usually it’s questions like “what the hell am I even doing?” “What kind of difference am I making?” “When will things get smoother?” “How much longer will I feel like this?” “When will I be enough?”

The universe obviously doesn’t talk back. But it’s nice to air those questions & fears out in the comfort of your own space, where there is no judgement. You won’t get as much clarity or insight as you would by talking to a friend, colleague or professional, but sometimes it’s just enough for the moment. Speak it out of your mind into the dark & hope it’s enough to help you sleep at night.

Instead of answering back right away, I believe the universe shows us signs gradually. There are many times where I stumble across someone or something and think there’s no other possible explanation for it except the universe doing its thing. I firmly believe it shows you people and things to let you know someone, something, is walking beside you through life. It is looking out for you, paying attention & giving you hints along the way that you are doing something right. It’s also usually the inspiration for many of these posts (lucky for y’all haha).

I will tend to have periods of total writers’ block & then BOOM, something happens & I jump on here to spew nonsense in the blink of an eye. So that’s what is happening today because I’ve been thinking about something that happened the other day nonstop. 

A dear friend has had her very fair share of curve balls this last year. So as a little pick-me-up, I stopped at the flower shop on the way to her house to get a bouquet of flowers. It’s really the very least I could do, given she’s been there for me and listened, supported & comforted me for the last 10 million years or so. 

I’m strollin’ around, mindin’ my business when I spot this really pretty bouquet of yellow roses. Honestly I suck at taking care of flowers or plants, so I’m never really looking at them. But I feel like I’ve never seen true yellow roses that weren’t dyed or painted. I just felt like this was the bouquet, this was the one that stuck out. I gravitated toward it, so that’s what I went with. Let the universe guide you, grasshopper.

I’m coming up to ask this adorable older woman if I can check out with her & she instantly goes into this entire tangent about these flowers. The color, the meaning, the beauty, the reason why these are 1 of her most favorite. She said how pure yellow roses symbolize true friendship & a sign of harmony, clarity, that things are ok. She grew up with her grandmother in Puerto Rico & learned all about flowers and their meanings from her, the purest green thumb this woman has ever seen. Her grandmother said it’s not always about how they look; it’s about what they mean. She was so visibly moved by these flowers, so I immediately knew I made the right choice. Thank you for this sign, universe. I said “this is such a great coincidence, as these flowers are for my best friend who deserves a pick-me-up” & the woman pulled up her sleeve to show that she immediately got goosebumps. She almost started tearing up & said how perfect it was that I picked these flowers out of every other bouquet in the shop, without even knowing it. She thanked me for making her day & I thanked her for making mine. Tell me that ain’t wild!

It’s signs like this that mean the most to me. You don’t expect them; you don’t ever see them coming. But when it does come, it’s more than you could ask for. To know that you’re somewhat on the path, that you may actually make a difference somewhere, that the light at the end of the tunnel does in fact exist. 

The world is a weird ass place right now, but just to have something or someone meet you halfway once in a while, it shows you’re going to be ok one day. That’s why I try my best to be as transparent, decent & polite as possible; you never know when you’ll be someone’s sign. It’s not a coincidence, it’s life babe. Aloha xx

6.15.21 Perspective: Gratitude

Last week, I was rolling a shopping cart out of Shoprite with 3 reusable bags full of food. My usual ritual is to roll the cart into that metal port thing, pick up the bags & walk to the car (I usually don’t park near those cart ports, so I just walk the rest of the way with bags in tow). I threw the bags into the back seat, got into the front seat, started the engine & took a few deep breaths of relief that I was finally out of the store.

For as long as I can remember, I was never a fan of food shopping. For the first 10 minutes, it’s not terrible. Once you get the lay of the land, you can walk the perimeter, mosey on down the aisles, & try to get everything you went in there for with a good amount of ease. After about 15 minutes, I begin to get a little anxious. I’m not sure why, but after a certain amount of time I just need to get out of there. Luckily, I usually go to the same Shoprite every time, so I know where everything is for the most part. But still, sometimes I get amped up if I go to find something that I never usually get. That’s probably why I eat basically the same thing week to week: a protein, a veggie, a grain/carb. I usually don’t deviate.  Maybe it’s a Capricorn thing: structure runs through my veins. Maybe it’s because I’m not confident enough to try something new: the fear of cooking something wrong and poisoning myself; and maybe it’s because of anxiety: cooking something new will require more time in the store looking for ingredients that are not in familiar aisles. 

Either way, I do my best to get in and get out. For this trip, it was pretty benign; nothing out of the ordinary thankfully. As I’m looking to back out of the parking spot, I see a woman with a few bags of food climb into a taxi. She shut the door of the taxi & the driver started toward the exit. And that’s all it took; a woman holding bags climbing into a taxi. It hit home harder than most things do these days. It hit how absolutely blessed I am to live the way I do. The 12 minute drive home was a time to completely dive into a full blown, emotional reflection on how grateful I am to be where I am, who I am.

Our (my) perspective of goals is so muddled these days. We are always looking to get the “nicest” cars, the “biggest” house, the “most” followers & to be the “best” at our job. But that’s all subjective bullshit. This woman is climbing into a taxi after getting food for her and her family while I’m whining about how I hate food shopping as I’m driving MY car from MY apartment for food I paid for & didn’ think twice about when swiping MY credit card. Perspective.

Ok, maybe her car was in the shop, or someone borrowed her car & she had to figure something out. But what if she doesn’t have a car at all? What if that food shopping trip set the family’s finances back, but it was necessary as food is essential to existence. What if she had just enough money for a taxi and food shopping, & now she or the family cannot do anything for the rest of the month. 

I get anxious about food shopping, but this woman has to worry about getting a taxi, shopping in a crunched amount of time, and then coordinating a pick up time to ensure she can get the food home without anything spoiling. Perspective.

Maybe I’m just thinking way too much into this. Maybe none of that is really true & she’d call me crazy to even think this much into something. But again, what if it was the case?

Maybe her version of a nice car is mine, while my version of a nice car is a Maserati. What if her version of a nice place is my place, while my version of a nice place is one of those multi million dollar beach homes along Ocean Ave? Perspective.

“We always want what we can’t have” is something I’ve heard 500 billion times. And that’s probably true. But what is also true is “we may be blind to what we already have” (I’m not sure if anyone’s said that before. If they did, sorry I can’t credit you because I’ve not heard that. If I’m the first to say it, then ™ me). The point is, I have not mindfully thought about how grateful I really am these days & I’m calling myself out on it. I’m so blessed to have bills on autopay, a car to drive around in (& money to put gas in it), an apartment that I can come home to at night, food in the fridge & in the cabinets, the freedom to buy things, go out to eat, travel. I can buy gifts for family and friends, splurge here and there if I want, & I don’t have to worry about the logistics of it. Perspective.

Seeing that woman get into a taxi with shopping bags is what I needed. It may not be her story, I may have it completely wrong. I could just be assuming (yes, making an ass out of yOu aNd Me) but it was a nice kick in the ass to face reality & be grateful for it. I’m always looking and hoping to enhance my life, which I think is ok. It means I have goals & never want to settle. But I also need to learn to be more presently grateful for what I have now. Me today is what I wanted 5 years ago, pandemic aside. And maybe in 5 more years, I’ll have even more to be grateful for. I just also hope I never lose sight of the blessings and that I can always take a few minutes here and there to reflect on how much I’ve grown, how far I’ve come, and be excited for what’s next.

If you’ve had a similar “woman in a taxi” moment, I hope it was as insightful for you as it was for me. As always, I’d love to hear it! I’m here for you, I’m here with you. Aloha and mahalo, lovely souls xx 

5.10.21 Feelin' Springy

The great awakening & blossoming of summer is upon us! Finally after what feels like an eternal ice age, things are beginning to defrost & the ground is getting ready to grow up and out. Before going to grad school, I always wondered why I’d get a cold at the change of seasons. Why every spring, summer, fall & winter I’d get weird head congestion, a runny nose & just felt itchy and weird. After learning about the organ energetics & how the flow of Qi circulates through the body, I now understand way better. 

Along with environmental & pressure changes around the globe, the internal workings of our bodies also go through many processes at specific times during the year. The body is currently shaking those winter blues & getting ready to switch into warmer, spring mode.  The definition of change (according to google) is as follows: “the act or instance of making or becoming different”. Although most of our body’s physical components do not change, we are going through internal, behind the scenes chemical changes all the time. 

In Chinese medicine, Spring is associated with the wood elements, which is composed of the Liver  & Gallbladder organ and meridian energetics. The wood elements are associated with the colors green & blue, a windy climate & maintaining the health of ligaments, tendons and sinew channels (a piece of tough fibrous tissue uniting muscle to bone or bone to bone; a tendon or ligament). The LV & GB channels are also responsible for spreading & circulating Qi throughout the system. They are the big guns when it comes to free flow & appropriate distribution of Qi (vitality) in the body. The Liver is also involved in blood storage & regulation. It is pretty appropriate that the liver has this relationship with blood, as storing and promoting smooth flow of it is of the utmost importance. You definitely need blood like, everywhere in your body. So it helps in regulating blood volume, ensuring every part of the body is properly nourished (in TCM terms. Western medicine deems the liver in charge of filtering chemicals from the blood, producing and secreting bile, & aids in digestion. There are slight differences between Eastern & Western views, just an FYI).

The liver gives us those spring time, warming jitters that come with looking forward to summer. I usually feel a little more antsy, a little more amped up, and way more itchy. It’s almost like an internal itch for warm weather, light clothes, and being outdoors. I like to think it’s just that redistribution of Qi & blood “changing” (not literally) with the seasons.

One of my favorite things to do in spring is walk down to the beach. The air is still cool without a ton of humidity yet, the sun is beating down and you can smell the ocean in the air before you even get to the boardwalk. Side note: I actually found out what that “sea breeze smell” is, and life will never quite be the same. I’ll spare you and not ruin your life like it did mine, so google at your own risk… moving on. I put on my “ignorance is bliss to the ocean scent” hat, sun glasses and throw my headphones in to take a 2 & a half block stroll. 

Like any local knows, shoes are off before 1 toe gets into the sand. I walk down to a spot where the sand changes (if you’re a local, you also know) and plop down. Music lowers so it can combine with the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore. And that's it; that’s where we sit for however long. There’s something about that ritual that is just so meditative. Maybe because it’s mine, maybe because water is healing, maybe it’s a combination of both. Feel free to try it, maybe it can help you too.

The acupuncturist in me also incorporates a technique that we were told about in school, where you place the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth while relaxing your jaw. Your mouth is closed, but resting in a way that your bottom teeth are not touching your top teeth. This motion connects 2 very important meridians in your body to kind of help reset things internally & get things moving in the right direction. I won’t bore or confuse you with the details, but just know that you're doing your body good by doing this (be sure to watch the part of the ocean where the waves break into the sand- the crashing shoreline is where you want to softly focus). 

I hope that you are all able to begin your springtime rituals to prep for the energy that sparks us into summer mode, but feel free to try mine as well. As always, I am here to walk you through it if you need help or am here if you want to tell me about your own rituals you’ve created for yourself! I always welcome new and fun ideas, so share the wealth! Aloha friends, happy spring xx 

2.3.21 Different Year, Same Nerves

Oh hi, happy “new year”! To round out the year, I began a new job at an old job. Basically it was like going back home to familiar territory. Life happens in mysterious ways & it just so happened to work out the way it did. I walked into a welcoming clinic, with welcoming patients & immediately felt like part of the team. I feel it rarely happens like this for me, but someone upstairs must have been looking out. There is some new staff, of course new patients, & the flow of the office has changed due to COVID; but walking through those doors & strolling right up to the front desk, I felt a huge sense of relief to be back in a place that I was comfortable with from the beginning. It was an even bigger relief & a really pleasant surprise that the therapists & patients had such an open mind when it came to acupuncture & more Eastern/traditional modalities. 

I was the first to agree with y’all that acupuncture is a super outlandish concept. I myself was skeptical at first & didn’t really even understand why I signed up to be poked by little needles in order to “feel better”. The idea seemed so contradictory at first. Needles (something I do not like) are being inserted into me to feel relaxed? Ok boss, whatever you say.

It wasn’t until the first official visits as an acupuncture patient that I realized there is definitely a method to the madness. Sure, the foundations & theories made sense when the practitioner explained the general concept of acupuncture. It was one thing to hear it, but it was an entirely different thing to feel it. After those treatments (I went for general stress & insomnia), I was stunned to physically feel how relaxed I was. I didn’t realize how anxious I was or how shitty I really had been sleeping for all those months before finally going to treatment. It’s amazing how our bodies & minds cope with stress in life; how it becomes so ingrained in our minds that we don’t even realize the toll it’s taking. That’s when I decided to pursue this; to help people even just a little bit, like my practitioner helped me.

Being trained in this medicine & practicing for a few years, it’s always a combination of excitement & nerves when I get a patient who’s never had acupuncture before. I am excited they chose to receive acupuncture, but I get worried that the treatment (or me) won’t meet their expectations. To be honest, it’s been a toxic trait of mine for quite some time: not being good enough. Unfortunately, personal deficits spill over into professional endeavors occasionally. Maybe it’s because I’m still new, maybe it’s because there’s such a thing as caring too much. But whenever I get someone new, there are emotions coming up from behind the scenes.

Fortunately for this field, acupuncture is being recognized nationally & globally as a formal treatment modality for quite a few conditions. From pain management to mental health, detox & fertility, acupuncture is rising up to be quite successful both by itself or in conjunction with other therapy options. The simplest explanation could be that it helps normalize your equilibrium & decrease the body’s stress, which helps put you at a level for better healing, both physically & mentally/emotionally. In a world that is trying to flatten the curve on medicinal dependence, acupuncture is attractive in that it uses your own body’s hormones, endorphins & other naturally occurring chemicals without using additional medicines that can wreak havoc on your system. 

All that being said, I still understand if you’re hesitant & apprehensive. Sometimes people mentally cannot get over the fact that “needles” go in & relaxation comes out (for me at least the first couple times). I don’t even want to call them needles, because they are not what you think. No medication or liquid is going in or being taken out. Therefore, they are solid stainless steel filaments that are approximately the width & gauge of a hair on your head. It is a virtually painless process, in that you could be aware of something but it is not like what you’d feel with a flu shot or an IV to give blood. We do not aim for blood vessels or nerves; we are not looking for blood & pain.

We are looking for energetic points below the surface. We are looking to stimulate your body’s natural healing response, coax it out to help you feel better. We are looking to relax muscle tension, decrease inflammation, lower stress, & improve the quality of your life. Some people call us “healers” because we do look to heal the body from the inside out. I find that word a bit ambiguous & stressful, as it’s a lot to preach that we literally heal people. In a sense this is somewhat true, but I’d like to refer to us as helpers. We help you realize the brain power to feel better is within you. We are just messengers to bring out the best in you & realize your healing potential.

If you have questions, concerns or just want to learn more, my inbox is always open for you. Feel free to drop me a line on the “contact” page. There is a form to open where you can let your thoughts flow & we can connect to begin whatever journey you’d like. If you’ve made it this far, mahalo. Talk soon, xx 

12.2.20 New Year, New Us?

Well well well… hello there, December. The 12th & final month of the year has arrived. Usually I lean toward indifference for this month. Many call me a grinch because I do not like the hype that surrounds the holidays. Christmas is rushed & appears earlier and earlier every damn year. Thanksgiving is always looked over which I hate, and a ton of people are more concerned with shopping & decorating rather than spending time with family and friends. I hate how your love for someone is compared to how big that gift bag is. I have been trying to get better and not put a damper on the mood (not sure if my friends would agree), but I would rather not listen to Mariah Carey…. ever.

I am a new years’ baby, so my birthday falls on the last day of the year. Born at 11:40 pm, I arrived within the final moments of 1989. The new year's ball was dropping right after I took my first breaths on the outside. I admire my mom so much for that; being pregnant AF around the holidays is probably tricky. She usually does all the holiday dinners, hosting every party etc. If she did it that year, the woman is given so many props. Hosting a whole Christmas party then having to head into the hospital to give birth to her 1st born? Superwoman.

I have a hunch that people will be looking forward to new years WAY more than usual this time around. It’s probably safe to say that this has been the most ridiculous year e.v.e.r. It also feels like the slowest yet quickest, if that makes sense. Time seemed to just stop around February & then magically began again in October? Or maybe I started paying more attention around September/October. I have had no concept of time or space but if I actually think about it, I can’t believe months have just come & gone.

As the year comes to a close, I find it hard to look back & reflect on how productive it’s been. I really feel like I didn’t do much in terms of  keeping tabs on goals, tackling them, or figuring out how to make myself better. So for that, I feel like I failed myself this year. I took a great vacation to start out my 30th year on this planet & ever since coming home, it all turned to shit. I wanted to make 30 a great one, but hopefully 31 could be the time to shine.

I’m sure some (or many) feel the same, so this is in no way to make it sound like this is only affecting me. It’s more to instill in others that they are not alone. We’ve all been tremendously uprooted & had our lives turned in a direction we really didn’t see coming. Something I thought would be over by Memorial Day has extended well beyond my initial projection (probably the craziest thought I’ve had all year). The stress & looming anxiety has forced people to see others or be seen in a different light, thoughts have extended well passed rational, & emotions are just running a muck. If you don’t feel productive, it could be because you’re subconsciously side tracked with how the world will re-adjust, whenever that may be. Personally, life feels paused. I guess I’m just waiting on the universe’s hand to press play? So in the meantime I’m just like… existing? If you could even call it that.

I’m ending the year by really taking this “uprooting” thing one step further & transitioning to a new job. There’s probably [definitely] a right time & a wrong time to do something like this, but leave it to me to take a chance like this. But as that old cheesy saying goes: “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”. Luckily, I am familiar with the atmosphere & staff at this place. I feel I grew up professionally here; so it’s almost like going back home to see old friends with new patients. This place is the reason I went to grad school, it’s the reason I learned so much about managing an office, it’s the reason I took up weight lifting. I’ve always said it was the best job I ever had, so to be back at this clinic as a medical provider is a dream come true.

It could be the wrong time to do something totally new & crazy, but at the same time it seems appropriate. This whole year I’ve been mentally & emotionally bracing for impact. Numbers of COVID cases are climbing again, people are getting more & more frustrated with how this is being handled, there’s a whole new level of stress added with the recent election & talks of vaccines. Why not totally block it all out & dive into something completely new & (somewhat) unknown. I need something else to focus my energy on, so why not make it a new job, a new hobby, taking a class, finally apply to that thing you’ve wanted to apply to but keep putting off for whatever reasons. Dive in, soak it up. Relish the moments of nervous excitement. Set yourself up with something new so you have it to look forward to once this year is done. Nervous? Yep. Scared? Definitely. But at least I won’t waste time thinking about how it could have gone. I can think about how it’s going. Do you want to do something but you’re scared to see it through? If you need a sign, this is it. If you need help with it, I’m here for you in whatever capacity I can provide. Until next year, y’all. xx 

10.18.20 Yang Within Yin

As the seasons change, there are many things that go into transition. The most noted in the NJ area for me are the trees changing & the glorious decrease in humidity. The air feels fresher & crisper, the trees lose their green & become my favorite colors, they fall to the ground & the skeletons of summer are used to pregame for Halloween & the best holiday of the year: Thanksgiving. Fall happens to be my favorite season & a major reason why it’s been hard to move away (along with family & friends, of course). 

In Chinese medicine, Fall is associated with the energetics of the Lungs (yin) & Large Intestine (yang), the Metal element organs moving into Water energetics of Winter related to the Kidneys (yin) & Bladder (yang). 

For some [of my interpreted] background on these organs & an intro into the theory of yin/yang, let’s begin: The lungs are in charge of oxygen exchange, dispersing O2 to tissues & regulating breathing from the top. Complementing the lungs, the large intestine is a key component from the bottom in smooth digestive processes & regulating normal exiting. The Kidneys are said to store our Essence: predisposed biological constitutions from our parents; they are our “Roots of Life”. The Kidneys govern growth & are the foundation of all yin/yang energies of the body. The Bladder transforms Qi & aids in fluid separation/storage fueled by the Kidney energy. Both sets of organs are mutually beneficial, copacetic & exist with each other to ensure smooth bodily & seasonal transitions. 

Ok, that’s probably a lot to process (& it’s not even a quarter of it, if you could believe it). So in short, Fall is a transition from the Yang of summer to the Yin of winter. 

The yin/yang principles can be & are applied to most concepts/aspects in life. They are equally opposite of each other, mutually consuming, & interdependent. You cannot not have one without the other: there are always parts of yang within yin, & always parts of yin within yang. With the seasons changing at the back half of the year, yin becomes more prominent, but that doesn’t mean there is “more of it”.

Some aspects of yin include darkness, an inward shift, it is calmness, coolness; more passive energy, feminine in nature. Aspects of yang, in turn, are equal but the exact opposite: light, shifting outward, activity, energized, warmth, masculinity. Yin & yang are 2 completely opposite energies in completely equal parts, coming together to form the entirety of existence. No pressure, right? 

I often find myself thinking about how fascinating it is that we are so auto-regulatory in time & space without even really knowing about it. Our brains are constantly at work to achieve homeostasis, the balancing of the system; the balancing of yin & yang. While writing this, my fingers hit the correct keys without even having to think about it. I’ve been blinking & breathing without focusing on it. My hands & wrists are moving across the keyboard before I even know they are supposed to. And I just straightened my posture so I’m not totally hunched over the computer while typing. It is truly amazing what the human body is capable of physically, physiologically, & mentally/emotionally. 

The body deserves our respect, understanding & patience. We must do our best to take care of it, nourish it, keep the yin/yang balance. If something is out of whack, we will know. We will always know. It usually comes down to choosing to listen or ignore.

During this time of transition, it is important to listen to our bodies & give them what they need within reason. Be mindful of the seasons changing, that yang is going inward toward yin. It is a time of inward focus, calmness; a type of hibernation if you will. If you feel a little gloomy, tired, less energized than usual, forgive yourself for it. It is normal. As the days get cooler, the nights get longer & the brain is in the mindset that it is bedtime sooner. More melatonin may be flowing causing us to get sleepy earlier. The days are shorter, so not as much sun gets to us. Allow yourself to snuggle up on the couch some days, go to bed a bit earlier, drink more warm tea, & wear a scarf to protect your neck. Listen to those cues that are subconsciously whispered. As is true with any phase: this is temporary. In a few months, the days will lengthen, the warmth will come & the energy will shift. Until then: remain mindful of your immune system, bundle up & be gentle on your spirit. Happy fall :)

2.20.20 One Mindful Bird

There are some days when I wake up with all these thoughts about wanting to do more, be more, see more. Other days, it’s a “when the hell will the coffee be done” type. Slow coffee drips, racing thoughts & recent writers’ block… what a combo. I sat down to try and break through that. I thought to just fire up my laptop and see where this one goes. 

Things have finally been calming down since vacation and moving. January felt like 4 years long, February feels like it’s taking its sweet time too. 

Part of that feels like a personal problem. Why do I want time to go by quicker? What is happening that I want to get over and done with? Where do I think this year is heading? And why do I want to rush time? 

These are some of the questions that follow me to bed at night… always thinking about 40 different half-things and stressing about the future. If we’re so stressed and worried about the future, why do we want it to come up so quickly? Higher power, please send an answer.

It would be ideal if we (I) could think about the future in a more positive way. We (I) could let it come when it’s actually time and just make peace with it. While on the journey to the future, it would also make sense to be mindful and present in the now. Soak in what life is offering, and use this time to thoroughly enjoy where (and when) we are. 

I had a brief lull at work the other morning, so in between patients I sat down with the computer on the windowsill, sitting on a treatment table, with one eye on the screen doing notes and the other at this tiny little bird sitting on the branch of a bush right outside. It’s currently chirping and feels like it is actually looking at me. Do birds know what humans are? Do they make eye contact? Is it coming closer to figure out what I am? What’s it saying? Do you think it's cold outside? Is this thing actually aware of my existence?

And now it’s hitting me: this is soaking in the present. Taking brief moments away from the routine of your everyday life to be mindlessly mindful about something else. 20 minutes ago, I was about to write notes at my desk that faces the wall. 19 minutes ago I thought “why not switch things up today and set up looking out the window”. 18 minutes ago, this little bird came by. Am I batshit for wanting to find out more about this bird? Maybe. But am I happy to be wondering about a bird right here instead of what I’ll be doing in the next 5 years? Definitely. 

Today’s lesson: go be mindlessly mindful! Try to get some sun while you’re at it (use sunscreen please), and let me know what you’re all looking at. Maybe your bird and my bird can become friends. Aloha xx 

(PS- the peacock is actually a mural I photographed that was done by an amazing artist out in Hawaii.. @welzie_art on IG).

1.22.20 The Travel Bug

Good day & hello to the 22nd day of being 30 trips around the sun old. What a whirlwind year it’s been. Well actually, 26-30 has been wild. But this past year or so demanded much more than I would have expected, both mentally and emotionally. I grew up in more ways than I anticipated and made a decent amount of those “big kid moves” everyone talks about these days. Getting licensed and working full time as an acupuncturist, growing with a business, joining those professional organizations, leased a new apartment, making actual money; it has been quite a year of change. So why not keep the chaos going and just fly overseas for the holidays? “Say no more, see you in Amsterdam for Christmas” :)

Yep, I decided to spend the holidays & my birthday abroad this year. New Years Eve is pretty popular here, so there is always something to do for my birthday. It is awesome to spend it with friends and family, but I thought to change it up a bit for the big 3-0. I also kind of made a self- promise years ago that for my 30th, I really wanted to be in Iceland. And so, that’s what I did.

Amsterdam → London → Iceland

Thought → Plan → Action

I make it a point to have every vacation be as educational and expansive as possible, so this trip absolutely did not disappoint by any means. This one felt different; a really good different. It was a milestone birthday ending a milestone year/decade.

It was spent with an amazing soul and around people we met along the way in our travels that I will never forget. It was filled with beauty, joy and a feeling of comfort (which is weird because I was very much out of some comfort zones). Being abroad sounds daunting for sure: new country, new city, new way of life, new people, no idea where to go or how to get there. Fortunately, with the help of Airbnb hosts, an international phone plan, and the best travel buddy with a fabulous sense of direction, this trip was a total success and definitely one for the books. 4 airports (with 4 chances to get luggage lost), 3 countries, 10+ cities and 8 hundred photos that don’t do anything justice later, we are back and ready to tackle 2020 with that new found sense of personal feat & motivation to set thoughts into action. Get the ball rolling, and keep it goin’.

It seems the last few vacations I’ve taken happen to take place during very crucial times in life. They occur during periods of personal growth and self discovery, which just enhances the process of finding opportunities to expand the horizons locally and away from distractions. Trips like that tend to stick with me more than others. Don’t get me wrong- every vacation makes its mark in my life, but if you go at a time when you didn’t know you needed to that bad, it just adds to the entire experience. 

Traveling has always been my self care escape. It is a time to recharge, focus on other stuff, rediscover your love for life, find more beauty in the world, and learn that what you are going through at home is just a temporary situation. When I remove myself from the daily routine and get put in a place where home field advantage is taken out of the equation, I always get a whole new respect for perspective & life itself. I usually come home with lessons, love, and motivation to keep going & change what I’ve been wanting to change. I’m the first to admit I am a creature of habit; I like routine, the safety in a schedule. But I also challenge that by throwing myself into a new experience and fully immersing in all that there is to learn about a new place. If you don’t test your boundaries, you’ll never know how much you can handle. And believe me, you can handle way more than you think you can. Book a trip, travel as much as possible, expand your perspective, fall in love with life (& let me know if you need a travel buddy with a passport). Happy New Year! Health, wealth & happiness to you and yours xx

12.2.19 Let's Dabble

I wanted to write a quick something about acupuncture in general and how it tends to work for people. Call me biased, but I do actually find it very beneficial for a lot of issues, both external and internal. Like anyone in any field, I am always looking to learn more & expand the craft. By reading case studies and just reflecting on some of my own patients, it seems to really be respected as an outlet of medicine.

I will say it is definitely a conversation starter. When I first meet people and say I’m an acupuncturist, I tend to get a lot of responses. Some people swear by it, others say they tried it 2 times and found no relief, and some are just shocked that I actually am one since it seems so outlandish. Then they ask if it “actually works” or if I just stand behind it because that’s the job and we’re all “just trying to rip people off.” 

To each their own, really. 

I usually like to begin with something along these lines: “Similar to any sort of medical intervention, effects may not make themselves known in the first 24-48 hours. For example, beginning a new medication. Chances are, you may not feel anything for the first day or so. Treat acupuncture the same.”

It’s kind of true, no? Taking a new prescription, changing a prescription, ending a medication, beginning a new workout plan, training for a marathon, changing your diet for weight loss or health reasons… the effects of this change may not be immediate. It may take a bit for your body to re-adjust to what you are adding to or taking away from your routine. 

I feel the same goes with acupuncture. 1-2 sessions may not do it just yet. This is especially true with longer standing conditions. We get it, you want a quick fix. Unfortunately, not many things work like that. 

Example: let’s take smoking cessation. If I see a person who comes in to stop smoking, and they have been smoking 1-2 packs a day for 30+ years, one session of acupuncture won’t completely subside the cravings. It takes some time to detox the body, curb cravings, tackle any mental or emotional component of smoking, and break the physical habit itself. People who have worked smoking (or pain, for that matter) into their daily lives for years will need to allow themselves to work through the process of re-establishing homeostasis in the body.

Let’s also remember that every practitioner has their own style and flow; and every patient is different. Therefore, expectations and results will be varied depending on who a patient sees and what they would like to get out of a session. Personally, I try to explain to patients that if they come in for treatment 1-2 times per week for 2-3 weeks, they should begin to feel some change within 3-5 sessions. The effects may be subtle; the effects may be felt same day then subside within a few hours, or the effects are immediate and they feel great until their next acu follow up. It is subjective, as every patient and every condition is different in one way or another. 

Trusting the process and trying to remain patient is way easier said than done, as we all probably know. The important thing to remember is that YOU are in control of your actions and decisions. Deciding to take action with your health and well-being is a great step toward being healthy and staying that way. 

A favorite acupuncture motto: “Let’s try it. I cannot make it worse. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.”

If you have questions, concerns, thoughts… please always feel free to message me. The “contact” tab of this site allows you to fill out a form and write down anything you want for submission, including inquiring about making an appointment. I am here to answer anything to the best of my ability. Mahalo xx 

11.17.19 Hi There

Hello fellow souls, Alyssa here. I’m a licensed acupuncturist in NJ. I’ve been practicing for a little over a year professionally, 3ish years with school, school clinics & such. I went to school in New York City, graduated with a Masters in 3 years, took 4 board examines, heavily increased my caffeine consumption, & cried more than I have in my almost 30 years. But I have been actually using a degree I worked my ass off to get/paid for, while hangin’ with cool patients who say acupuncture makes them feel better....

It’s been one hell of a ride, I’m not going to lie.  

Acupuncture appealed to the major science nerd in me, & the functional medicine nerd within also. I love the idea of helping to re-calibrate the body & mind with non-prescription modalities if/ when applicable (please always consult your M.D’s/D.O’s). I also enjoy that this medicine is complementary to other major functional modalities such as physical therapy or chiropractic. I work inside a physical therapy clinic, and being that PT was one of my original plans, it’s nice to still be close to that outlet of rehab.

I don’t know if anyone wants to hear my story of finding & going to acupuncture school. But if you do, please never hesitate to reach out to me. We can speak freely & organically. This is also kind of the point of this blog/journal thing. Maybe I can open the floor to people who find common ground or have some of the same feelings. Whatever you are going through, you are not alone. I am here for you, I got your back.

We don’t have to talk about acupuncture, we can talk about anything. The idea of this blog was going to be about venting out certain times in my life, a vacation that changed my life, or the insecurities of life & work that always start screaming inside my head just as I lie down to get some sleep at night. I can also touch on my deep love for llamas and alpacas, how social media memes can really get me through a day, or the feeling you get after walking out of the gym sauna; wondering how it’s possible to fall off the gym wagon because it just feels SO good to workout and sit in the sauna for a few minutes afterward. 

If you’re still with me, thank you. I’m open to insight, advice, tips, you name it. Something you want to talk about? Let me know. Something you want me to write about? Let me know. I’ll try to make this enjoyable & easily readable... like something you can browse through, or something that can resonate within that helps you get through life a little easier.

We’re in this together, guys. Let’s be a team, k? Mahalo xx